It’s ok not to be ok… These are the words to a great Jessie J song, they are printed on coffee mugs and they are words that I live by as someone who lives with grief. But, recently I have realized that although, it is ok not to be ok, it is also equally ok to be ok.
Ok Erika, what are you talking about? Well I’m happy you asked. Lol… On my journey of grief I have been angry, sad and anxious. I have connected these emotions to the memory of my mother and who she is to me. So in my mind I believed that if I let myself heal and let go of those emotions, I would simultaneously be letting go of who my mom is to me and all of my memories. When in reality the memories that I have of her aren’t going anywhere and by not letting go of those negative emotions I am choosing to be held captive by them, stunting my growth and becoming bitter. So I had to learn to disconnect the two and become comfortable in the understanding that it is ok to be ok.
You know that there are days that I don’t think about my mom or the fact that she’s no longer here. I’m sure that sounds bad, but that’s my truth and I have come to realize that although, it may sound bad, it’s not. What has happened is that I have discovered a lapse in time for just a moment, just an hour or even a day, where I’m not sad, angry or anxious. Instead I am able to experience what peace really feels like. I am not in denial or in a state of acceptance, but I am simply at peace. Isn’t that what I have been longing for since the day that God called my mom home, peace? So why is it wrong of me to accept it when it comes? I still love my mom, I still miss her and I most definitely still go through ALL of the emotions that I mentioned above. But, every now and then I am granted the opportunity to experience the peace that I longed for. I’m sure that many of you could relate to that longing. Do you remember when you first loss your loved one and you were in constant anguish, crying yourself to sleep wondering, “When will this pain go away, how can I live like this?” So why should we feel shamed when that day, moment or hour comes? The answer is, we shouldn’t. We should embrace it, because the even greater truth is that the moment of relief and peace don’t last forever.
I leave you with this…
Your love and memory of your loved one who has passed is not connected to your grief, but they are connected to your heart. So LET GO of the anger, the pain and sadness and allow yourself to experience the one thing that you have been longing for… Peace.
It is ok to be ok.